Learning To Let Go

You would think having grown up with a brother, I would be more familiar with how boys bond when they hang out together.  Nope.  I have two girls and can tell you at least ten different things they love to do together.  My son, however, is the only boy and it has always been a struggle to have friends come over.

There are plenty of reasons.  We have changed schools a few times, he doesn't enjoy team based sports, the kids he likes don't live close, and he has his own quirks that aren't always accepted by other boys.

Every time we have had a friend over, I am always trying to over plan and helicopter around to make sure everyone and everything is OK.  Last year, I called my husband, worried that the friend was bored because they were in my son's room, silently reading comics.  I asked him what I should do.  "Nothing'" he replied.  "Just leave them alone.  That is what guys do."  Well that just sounded crazy.  I, of course, ignored that.  I interrupted them and tried to convince them to do something I thought would be more fun for them, and it didn't really work.  I had completely messed up their mojo.

Flash forward to this year's winter break, and we have been lucky enough to have a really great kid come over twice.  We got an Xbox this year from Santa, and the boys are just crazy for their new Skylanders game  They played for about an hour, took a snack break and decided to play another game called "Portal 2".  That is when the helicopter instinct started intruding on my thoughts.  "Maybe I should have them bike for a while?  Maybe I should have them outside?  Maybe this is to much video games?"

I quashed those thoughts and actually stopped to really watch them.  The game they were playing is a brain teaser which requires the boys to communicate and cooperate with each other to achieve their goals.  COMMUNICATE and COOPERATE.  What more could I ask of him?  They loved it and they were bonding! 

After his friends left, I asked my son if he had a good day. "Yeah.". Then I asked if he enjoyed having his friend over to play with.  His mouth widened into a big smile while he said, "Yeah.  That was the BEST."

I am learning to let go of my preconceived notions of what my kid's interpersonal style should look like.  Maybe now I can stop trying to change him and accept his own way of connecting with others.

My son's idea of quality time