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| Even happy and healthy kids can suffer from stress and grief |
Life can be hard, even for our kids. Losing a loved one, a friend, a family member is never easy on anyone. This can be especially hard on our kids. Kids are growing and maturing and just beginning to have complex and mature feelings and thoughts. That process takes time to mature and can vary from person to person. Add in the fun of hormones that tweens are dealing with, and kids can find grief/stress can be just too much for any tween to handle alone.
We recently met with a counselor for one of my kids who is struggling with pre-teen issues, as well as grief and loss of a very loved family member. Although the loss was over a year ago, grief is not a line that degrades at a set rate. It can lessen and peak as time passes. Weeks or months may go by with no outward sign of emotional trauma, but an event or a movie or an unexpected thing may come up that triggers those feelings of grief flowing back.
Grief might display itself as moodiness, unexplained crying (they aren't sure why they are crying), stomach pain or headaches, inability to go to sleep or waking earlier than normal. The short-change in sleep can accentuate all of the above. A child dealing with grief or stress can take have heightened reactions to normal life stressors and you might find yourself with a child with a short temper and/or a cry-button that turns on all too easily.
Our counselor was wonderful of explaining how stress and grief can manifest itself into physical symptoms. They are not in a person's head, they are real and they are ok to deal with. In our case, the grief was also showing as a large increase in worrying and anxiety. Things like homework, music and getting to somewhere on time were causing unusual amounts of worry.
So how is a kid to cope? Here are three coping strategies our counselor recommended to us:
Journaling:
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| Writing it down is helpful for anyone |
Keeping "diary" or a journal is a way for everyone (not just kids) to take the time to write about their day and feelings in a place where they feel safe in expressing them. The activity doesn't have to take place everyday, and is meant to be a help to kids by letting them be able to go back and look for patterns on days when they felt stressed or sad. By identifying any patterns, they can learn how to avoid or cope with whatever situation is bothering them. Be sure to let your child know that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to journal and it will be kept private for them only.
Belly Breathing:
Our physiological response of fight-or-flight causes physical changes in the body. Our heart rate increase, our rate of respiration increases and becomes more shallow and we tighten muscles in our jaw and shoulders. Our counselor talked in a soft voice and asked us to close our eyes. We were to take very slow, but deep breaths while our hand was on our belly. By trying to breathe with our diaphragm more, we moved our bellies. We breathed slow breaths and concentrated as she also asked us to relax our shoulders, then our face and then our jaws. Respiration was slowed, heart beat slowed down and we really did start to feel more relaxed. A great exercise if you see your child's anxiety building, as it can be done anywhere.
God Box:
As a family with faith, I have encouraged my kids to pray and trust God with their problems. Of course, sometimes having a concrete way to express that is what a kid needs.
Our counselor encouraged our child to use a box (shoebox, tissue box, etc) and decorate it for their personality. Whenever they have a worry or need help with something, they can write God a note asking for help, strength and peace and then put the note in the box. I found this prayer that we can decorate the box with:
When you mind starts to worry
And your mind can't rest,
Put your prayers down on paper
And let God do the rest.
As a parent, you never want to see your child struggle with their feelings. I am hopeful these suggestions will be helping us very soon.
